a win is a win
this letter is sponsored by a mood swing and a nap (don't be jealous, friends!)
“My sadness doesn’t mean I’m weak. It means I feel deeply—and I create from that place.”
-Dope Saint Jude
a win is a win
I didn’t save the world today.
Didn’t clean my whole house either.
But I did drink water before coffee. And that’s something.
And I didn’t shame myself for not being productive enough or wearing the same outfit again. That’s something, too.
Old me would’ve acted like missing a task meant I was about to get evicted from adulthood. Like if I didn’t check every box, I’d get a notice on my spirit: “You are no longer qualified to be grown.”
And even still, I catch myself wondering how I got promoted here...
…probably birthing kids…
But we won’t dwell on that thought.
Not today.
Today, I let one small win stand on its own. No disclaimers. No “yeah, but…”
Just... yeah.
I showered today.
I fixed myself a meal.
I made my bed.
I stood on the porch and touched grass.
I did that. I chose better. Even if better was as small as unscrewing a cap, taking a sip of a tasteless substance that chased vitamins and happy pills.
…because there’s duality in tiredness…
It’s hard to explain what it feels like to be functional and still feel like you’re falling behind.
Everything is slower… off tempo.
You move, but the world moves faster.
People talk faster.
The day fills up before you get your footing.
You’re always arriving late to yourself.
You spend most of your time comparing.
Not to strangers online, but to the version of you that used to be quicker.
More certain. Less… heavy.
And you wonder, quietly, bitterly, what it would feel like to not be so aware of every step.
To not have to narrate your own effort just to prove it existed.
To do something simple, like clean your room or send an email, without it feeling like a whole-ass event.
Sometimes I want it to move faster.
I want me to move faster.
I want to catch up to the person people think I am.
To the version of me that doesn’t overthink how long it’s been since I returned that call, sorted through mail, or refilled the damn prescription.
But I’m not there yet.
So I count what I can.
And maybe that’s what today is
just a quiet admission: this is what progress looks like right now.
And it’s not cute.
It’s just real.
quick notes:
Living with mental health struggles ain’t no walk in the park, but I also know that loving someone who struggles isn’t easy either. I’m not here to argue about which is harder. Instead, I just want to give flowers to everyone who takes the time to read my work - whether it’s because you relate, you learn something, or you just appreciate my dry-ass sense of humor. I take all of it. I appreciate all of it.
It’s Mental Health Month.
Check on your people.
And while I usually say “check on your strong friends,” in this climate?
Check on everyone who crosses your mind.
Eight minutes is all it takes to let someone know they’re loved, valued, and not alone.
Sometimes that’s enough to spark the little bit of joy they need to keep going.
things you may like (ICYMI):
Inside My Velvet Rope
In 1997, Janet Jackson did her big one with the release of The Velvet Rope. Back then, I was too young to realize that this was her emancipation album. The 90’s Janet era was the epitome of a chef’s kiss. She dared to explore her sexuality, lay out years of trauma, the toll it took on her mental health, and bare her soul to the world. To this day, I fee…
weirdly productive, despite the mess
you know those 3am thoughts that probably should’ve stayed in the drafts? Yeah. These are those.
tales from the mother(hood) vol. 2
Raising daughters while healing a generational mother wound was not on the “this is my life” BINGO card… yet, here we are.
You posting this at 11:11 is like "Oh we in divine timing today" celebrating smalm wins, wins in general is good for the soul, if you make something celebrate, if you showered celebrate, if you woke up breathing today and have a chance to make different, celebrate, that is why I be pulling myself out because I feel like everything that has happened has just made me live life harder and much more, and I know I am meant to be here, if I was not I would have been gone long ago, I would not have been my current age of 26 and be looking forward to another and many more birthdays. Progress could be you saw how cute you were today or how sweet you were to yourself, or somebody recognizing "You always help me you are so precious and you make my day wonderful" cause sometimes that confirmation and affirmation comes from a source used to give it to you. Lemme cut this comment short I'll do a whole book but basically this resonated on some level lol
Dis me! Thanks so much. Hugs sis!