Becoming Isn’t Pretty, But It’s Mine
...well, another year around the sun is creeping up… might as well clean house - inside and out.
Unmasking is a process - a slow, deliberate shedding of the layers built from survival mode. It’s the system shock that comes from the realization that what we often present to the world is a careful construction, designed to make others comfortable, to make spaces more accessible, to make our existence seem easier to digest.
But the cost doesn’t matter if the result is freedom.
If it leads to a life where I am fully present, where my truest self is no longer suffocating under expectations, then I will strip away every last layer, no matter how painful.
For years I moved through life with an innate ability to adapt, to adjust, to fit. And for a long time, that felt like a skill. I was proud of it. But in the thick of now, I realize that constantly shapeshifting has a cost and I was losing myself in the performance.
Am I fully unmasked? Am I fully aligned? NOPE!, but I’m closer than I’ve ever been. And instead of telling myself to fake it till I make it, I’ll lean into the uncomfortable because faking it sounds good until you realize you’ve faked yourself into a version of reality that was never yours to begin with (cue “Denial is a River” by Doechii).
Last year was about following purpose. This year is about walking in it.
There’s a difference.
Following purpose still leaves room for uncertainty; it allows your mind to wonder if you’re on the right path, if you’ve missed your moment, if what you’re working toward is even meant for you. But walking in purpose means knowing. It means trusting that every step, every decision, every hard-earned lesson (and even harder loss) was positioning you exactly where you needed to be.
I used to think I was falling behind (in fact, I’ve talked about it a few times), that somehow, I had veered off track while everyone else was miles ahead, effortlessly moving toward their destiny…
But the pursuit of higher education has been enlightening, frustrating, and humbling, all at the same damn time. I thought I had found the ultimate cheat code by using my practice as the foundation to test research and theories, and whew! let me tell you, I have never been so humbled, inspired, and frustrated.
The takeaway is that I am innovative, creative, and determined AF. I am thankful for the universal confirmations and encouragement that continue to push me forward… but since I believe in duality, that two things can be true at the same time, I’ll keep it 100% - this process is stretching my brain—painfully, at times. And beyond just intellectual growth, I’ve been forced to confront something I never really examined before: how deeply I feel the need to defend ideology, how justice moves through me like instinct. I never thought about it until recently, how things that feel off spiritually, morally, and in-between trigger the vigilante in me.
Is it the ADHD-tism?!
Maybe… but let’s unpack moral justice for a second.
When I think about justice, it’s more than just a concept, its a responsibility. The responsibility to see beyond my own experience, to understand, to listen, and to push for clarity… not just for myself, but for those around me. It’s why I struggle with people who refuse to engage with their emotions, who sit in discomfort rather than unpack it. It frustrates me when people surround themselves with yes-people, avoiding growth because they’re too afraid to be challenged.
Accountability isn’t an attack. Reflection isn’t a punishment. And yet, so many people reject both.
"Do not be afraid to disappear—from it, from us—for a while, and see what comes to you in the silence."
-Michaela Cole
I didn’t disappear from life, I just took a digital detox. Deleted apps, left groups, shut the laptop, and let myself process the big feelings instead of performing through them. Some of that was because it was necessary, I shifted a lot in the last few months school, career, motherhood, but the biggest factor? I let imposter syndrome ride shotgun in my life (but it’s time I let that bitch choke).
And let’s be clear: imposter syndrome is not jealousy. It’s not about wishing for what someone else has - in the grand scheme of things, as my husband would say, I’m doing my thang - but that internal battle… feeling like you are never enough is the feeling that lingers inside and outside of spaces, replaying situations in your head—a constant, exhausting push to be more.
Because that’s what we’re told, right?
The Black girl struggle of always having to prove something, always feeling like you can’t just be… because someone, somewhere, is waiting to question your credentials. But at some point, you have to let imposter syndrome choke.
I’m learning to ease into knowing that I have and will always be enough. That my capacity shifts. My percentage of “I give a fuck” is allowed to fluctuate. The people who rock with me will honor that. The ones who don’t? They can stay exactly where they are.
And I am not without fault. I hold myself accountable. How I believe others perceive me? That’s a me issue. I can’t control their perception, but I can control how I see myself. And I have to love me more than anyone.
“We are all in the process of becoming.”
-Audre Lorde
My interpretation of becoming is that, it’s not about arriving, but instead existing in the in-between. The stretch, the friction, the moments where you feel like I’m right on the edge of something but not quite there yet.
And there’s a need for voices in the in-between. These voices speak to those who crave realness, not just curated highlights. Who need to see the process unfold, not just the final product. We want the struggle, the pivots, the behind-the-scenes messiness that reminds us we’re not alone in figuring it all out.
I always tell my clients and my team: never be afraid to challenge (or as I like to say, coach the coach). Growth doesn’t happen in isolation. It happens in conversations that challenge us, in perspectives that expand us, in moments where we’re forced to sit with discomfort and actually listen.
Being in the in-between, riding the ebbs and flows of life, allows me to unlock… something deeper. A sharper sense of self. A clearer understanding of my voice. A willingness to be seen in motion, not just when the work is done, but while it’s still unfolding.
My work is evolving. My writing is shifting. I can feel my voice getting sharper, my vision getting clearer, even as I struggle to hold it all together. I don’t have to name it yet. I don’t have to rush to explain it or package it into something digestible. Right now, it’s just mine.
I don’t know if becoming ever feels comfortable. But maybe it’s not supposed to. Maybe it’s just about making peace with the fact that I am in motion, whether I feel ready or not.
a few quick notes:
If you enjoyed this letter, consider sharing it on your favorite platform or restacking it on Substack. It’s one of the best (and free) ways to give a creative their flowers in real time.
Feel compelled to sow a coffee bean in my direction? - here’s my Ko-Fi link (never expected but always appreciated). These donations will always be honored and sown into the exploration and growth of this platform.
it’s funny how you read something and no longer feel alone. We’re becoming something so much more than we imagined! Great post ✨
This was beautiful to read, and I related to it so hard. I too, have been known to be a shape shifter, being able to easily adapt to people and scenarios on a whim, but as you said, it's exhausting work. Always fitting in, but never truly getting to be free. I am working on being more authentic to myself, and I am glad to see others working to do the same. We got this!